For general comments, questions, and concerns, email [maha@thesexologystudio].
I find that there is this assumption that as long as any and all intimacy occurs within marital bounds, there isn't any question of anything being haram. So while we know that sex within marriage is an immaculate blessing that comes along with immense barakah, we can't ignore where faults, sin, and harm can brew in these spaces. When we look at the haram/halal dichotomy, we know a few things. Period sex, anal sex, forced sex, and sex outside of marriage are quite clear cut on being haram. But how else do we see sins appear in marital sex lives that ultimately destroy the marriage at its core? What I'd like us to do for this article is to remove any idea of what exactly counts as haram and sinful, and to instead approach different points I'll hit with if this is bringing you closer or away from Allah and a prosperous marriage.
As always, here are some key notes I'd like us to keep in mind:
I am not an Islamic scholar.
I do not give fatwah's or discuss fiqh.
I am not a sex wizard– I am an educator trying to highlight points of concern in Islamic marriages.
Understanding Sin
To understand the essence of sin, I would like to talk about the story of Prophet Adam AS. In the Quran, Allah swt utilizes his story to create a profound illustration of human sin, repentence, and Allah's swt mercy. Now if you're unfamiliar with the story, Allah created Adam and bestowed upon him and his wife, Hawwa (Eve), the bounties of Paradise, permitting them to enjoy everything except the fruit of a specific tree. However, influenced by Satan's deceit, they ate from the forbidden tree, committing the first human sin. This act of disobedience led to their expulsion from Jannah to this world.
Despite this transgression, Adam AS and Hawwa's response teaches us an important lesson about repentance and forgiveness. We see acceptance and the desire for forgiveness of Prophet Adam AS's shortcoming through the following passage:
"Our Lord, we have wronged ourselves, and if You do not forgive us and have mercy upon us, we will surely be among the losers." Quran [7:23].
As the children of Adam AS, as Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) states, "Every son of Adam commits sin, and the best of those who commit sin are those who repent." (Sunan Ibn Majah). What we additionally know is that Allah is Ar-Rahmaan and Ar-Raheem, and is bound by rahma– a beautiful mercy and compassion.
The act of sin and repentance is a continuous cycle, and one that itself is a test. In the context of sex, we need to understand how sin and harm can manifest within halal sex lives. Refusal to acknowledge sin and transgressions can absolutely destroy not only the heart but the soul as well. Just as Adam AS and Hawwa were forgiven, we too can seek Allah’s forgiveness for our transgressions, knowing that He is "the most forgiving, most merciful" (Quran 39:53).
To understand how to best avoid sin and harm in our marriages, we need to review how different modes of harm can appear in our love lives. While some things may be obvious, other points may be things you hadn't thought was hurting your marriage before. Additionally, this serves as a reminder to contemplate on our sins and seek forgiveness for them. Remember– if you hurt another individual, you need forgiveness from them as well, and they are under no obligation to give you that forgiveness.
Points of Harm
Marital Rape and Forced Sex
The Quran explicitly emphasizes mutual consent and respect in marriage, and makes it clear you cannot unjustly harm another individual, thus demonstrating that marital rape and forced sex are severe violations of Islamic principles, completely haram, and a major sin. Surah An-Nisa [4:19] states, "O you who have believed, it is not lawful for you to inherit women by compulsion. And do not make difficulties for them in order to take [back] part of what you gave them unless they commit a clear immorality. And live with them in kindness." This also is not limited to penetrative intercourse– there are many who live in despair due to the pressure placed upon them to have oral sex or engage in behaviours they do not want to.
We also see that for many, they assert the idea of sex being part of their "right". Again, I am not a scholar, but I do believe that we have the right to intimacy (which can be quite different than sex). Now even with the word "right" in these cases, I find that we throw this word around far too much and wield it to commit harm. Imagine if Allah swt demanded us of all our rights as this given moment? We all struggle immensely with different aspects of Islam– would we be ready to commit to every aspect of Islam to the fullest? Or would we ask Allah swt for His rahma, mercy, compassion, and kindness? In a similar manner, why do we not execute these characteristics with our spouses?
Alongside marital rape and forced sex, you cannot use pressure and manipulation as a tool to get what you want. Through these tactics, there is an inherit destruction of trust, respect, and intimacy between souls. Consent must be enthusiastic and filled with contentment.
Anal Sex
Anal sex is explicitly prohibited in Islam. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, "Do not approach women in their anuses" (Sunan Ibn Majah 1924). This prohibition is clear and unambiguous, reflecting the importance of adhering to the natural and respectful boundaries set by Islamic teachings. Studies have shown that anal sex particularly done to women is incredibly unsafe as there is risk of anal prolapse and damage can be done to the anal sphincter (which is responsible for controlling pressure within the rectum), which is also thinner in women than men. If you have been engaging in this act, seek forgiveness from Allah swt through prayer, istaghfar, tawakkal, and sabr.
Period Sex
Engaging in sexual intercourse during a woman's menstrual period is explicitely haram. The Quran states in Surah Al-Baqarah (2:222), "And they ask you about menstruation. Say, 'It is harm, so keep away from wives during menstruation. And do not approach them until they are pure.'" This commandment is meant to protect the health and well-being of women during their menstrual cycle. Intimacy outside of penetrative sex is entirely permissible and can come in many forms. As you repent and move away from engaging in period sex, embrace other forms of intimacy that foster closeness and peace.
Postpartum Care
Postpartum is a time that requires an immense amount of care and caution when it comes to the intersection of mental and physical health with sexual intercourse. If your spouse has recently had a baby, you may be inclined to get your sex life back to the way it was before. The reality is that your wife has gone through a momentous mental and physical change– both of which are life-altering. Be is purposeful or inadvertant, you may be placing this pressure on your wife in a manner that is destroying her mental health and the quality of your relationship. Honour your bond with care and patience, and seek forgiveness for this pressure from your spouse and Allah swt.
Lack of Consideration and Emotional Abuse
Lacking foreplay, aftercare, and consideration for one's spouse's feelings can lead to emotional and physical harm, which is antithetical to Islamic teachings on kindness and respect. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, "One of you should not fall upon his wife like an animal; but let there first be a messenger between you. 'And what is that messenger?' they asked, and he replied, 'Kisses and words'" (Sunan Ibn Majah 1838). This cruelty can come from negative comments on your spouse's body, neglect to nurture intimacy outside of penetrative sex, and a failure to sustain her mental vitality and happiness in and of the bedroom. You may think that these things are small and not all-that important, but I promise the livelihood of your marriage depends on this. Additionally, the Quran in Surah Al-Hujurat (49:11) advises, "O you who have believed, let not a people ridicule [another] people; perhaps they may be better than them." If you have hurt your spouse through neglect in the past– seek forgiveness.
Pornography and Masturbation
While there is major debate on whether masturbation is haram, I'd like to apply an important principle here: if an act is taking you away from Allah swt, leave it. Now engaging in pornography is quite clear-cut on being considered haram in Islam due this being zina of the eyes. In addition, we pornography is a drug that fully captivates its viewers. Through this, viewer's uphold exploitative structures, form damaging ideas about sexual relationships, and fail to maintain discipline inherent to Islam. The Quran emphasizes modesty and chastity, as seen in Surah An-Nur (24:30-31), which instructs believers to lower their gaze and guard their private parts. Furthermore, the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, "O young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains eyes from casting (evil glances) and preserves one from immorality; but those who cannot should devote themselves to fasting, for it is a means of suppressing sexual desire" (Sahih Muslim 1400).
Now if you struggle with addiction, know that even the companions of The Prophet (peace be upon him) faced difficulty. Nuaym Ibn Abdullah RA was a companion that faced difficulties with alcoholism. Prophet Yusuf AS struggled to espace temptation as well from his master's wife. Struggle is not unique to you, but beyond this what is needed is consistent repentence and an active effort to try and get better.
Talking About the Marital Bed to Others
Discussing intimate details of one's sex life with others is also completely unacceptable. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) warned, "Among the most wicked of people in the sight of Allah on the Day of Judgment is a man who goes to his wife, and then he spreads her secrets" (Sahih Muslim 1437a). You have been trusted by someone in the most vulnerable way– any betrayal of this is seen by Allah swt and justice will be had on Judgement Day.
Conclusion
The sexual relationship within marriage, while a blessing, must adhere to Islamic principles of mutual respect, consent, and kindness. Violations and harm that brews can entirely rip your marriage apart, thus emphasizing the importance of avoiding any form of harm as a vessel for corruption. Now if you are on the recieving end of harm, know that in addition to Allah swt being the most merciful, He is the all-hearing and all-seeing. Do not fail to seek His help and guidance through sabr and prayer.
For general comments, questions, and concerns, email [maha@thesexologystudio].
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